I’ve been combing through my journal entries from a few years back, reviewing the process of writing The Fall and came across this. Hopefully, those of you who think you don’t have what it takes to seek God on a regular basis will see there’s no surefire formula. He takes our weakness, and flows through us–in spite of us.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Was up at four and spent an incredible couple of hours in prayer despite the fact I was blowing my nose every five minutes. Maybe because of that, I had to grapple with the truth of the gospel.
“Christ in me the hope of glory.”
Ya gotta be kiddin’ me! Yet I’m snotty and tired and clueless. It pulled away the illusion of religion. I can’t truly grasp even the tiniest drop of the true gospel. To do so, to cram such truth into my puny brain, would have the effect of splitting an atom. Jesus is in me. I don’t truly believe this. If I did, on even the most basic level, the s*#! would truly hit the fan.
It’s a chasm I am powerless to cross. I’m left trying to juggle a three-ton elephant. If I allow this truth to take root, there are no guarantees. Letting the Spirit of God run amuck always causes trouble. It’s the whole, “I have come to bring a sword,” that Jesus was talking about.
It was truly frightening to see the gulf between where I live in “religious understanding” and what Jesus died to accomplish. It has to be a gift of faith because my brain breaks when I try to shove this truth in it. Only the fathomless spirit can make room. And even that blows me wide open at the core.
Remedy: Ask and keep on asking. Seek and keep on seeking. When you realize your absolute need of Christ for ANY good to come through you, GOOD. A humble (even broken) heart is like tilled earth, ready and receptive.
Child of the One True King, wife to the best man alive, mom to four VERY unique human beings & author of two bestsellers:
The Fall &
with more on the way.